


right under your fingertips.

by black_sun



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Bisexual Character, Canon Gay Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Nightmares, give me season 2, give me something like that in season 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-17
Packaged: 2018-10-19 19:19:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10646367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/black_sun/pseuds/black_sun
Summary: Clay starts to wonder what it's like to kiss Tony shortly after him saying “Yes, I'm gay, how did you not know that”.





	right under your fingertips.

Clay starts to wonder what it's like to kiss Tony shortly after him saying “Yes, I'm gay, how did you not know that”. Not very shortly, not before he was done with the tapes and looking for justice and half of the nightmares haunting him now. The nightmares have never gone away, but it's got easier to deal with them, to breathe after waking up with a dying scream on the tip of his tongue for Hannah, don't do it, don't do it, don't, don't. Clay knows there's no way to fix it anymore. Clay knows that there's no point in sacrificing his life for the love story that didn't even begin. So he moves on. Like rusty wheels and burnt out souls, he moves on. 

And Tony's always there, just – right here, easy to reach out and touch if Clay feels like he's falling out, as if reality is no longer real and he can't even know what is. They drive around the town, sometimes out of it, pretending they won't have to go back, pretending they have a whole new road ahead, just the two of them, every piece of their crashed hearts left behind. Tony's always there, and Clay can't really pinpoint a moment when it happens for the first time, when he catches himself staring at Tony's lips, wondering how it would feel to kiss him, to taste him. It happens once, twice, ten more times, and sometimes it seems like Tony knows what's going on in Clay's mind, even though he doesn't know what it is exactly himself. Sometimes it seems like he leans closer in Clay's personal space, and Clay feels his breath on his own skin like early-morning breeze sneaking in through a barely opened window. But Tony also has a boyfriend, amazing and patient and understanding, and Clay just tells himself to forget it all, there's no way anything can happen. 

It goes on for another two or three weeks, Clay acting like nothing bothers him except for all the black holes in his heart and Tony letting him believe that he doesn't notice how Clay glances at his mouth now and then, how his voice gets quiet at these moments and how his own heart trembles. They have a couple of sleepovers, with Tony sleeping on the floor (his preference) but ending up in bed with Clay anyway, who is clutching to him after a bad dream. He never talks about these dreams. Tony still knows. 

It happens during one of those sleepovers; the night is warm, with the clear sky covered in a scattering of stars. It's after three am, and the house is silent, the only audible sound is Clay's whimpering muffled by Tony's shirt. It is so soft under his fingertips, and Clay just never wants to let it go, to let Tony go. He knows, rationally, that he's not going anywhere, but he used to think he knew that Hannah wasn't going anywhere, and now she's never coming back, and if there's the slightest chance of Tony leaving him for good, no matter how, Clay's not going to take it.   
And the next move is completely illogical, it's all or nothing, it's a leap into the abyss of hope, and Clay holds his breath and counts to five before catching Tony's lips, whispering how it's gonna be okay and there's nothing to do now, and there is actually nothing to do, not anymore, not after this short kiss that for Clay feels like baring his soul and tearing his walls down and filling this great gaping hole in his chest with those bright stars and southern winds and stitching it up.   
Tony doesn't react, doesn't say anything and doesn't push him away, nor does he answer, it's just like he lets Clay try what he's wanted for some time. He doesn't do anything, and Clay stops, breaking the kiss, and he can't make himself look at Tony, embarrassed and a little bit terrified. He turns away and tries to go to sleep. He freezes when Tony hugs him from behind, pressing his head between his shoulder blades, just high enough that his nose brushes the base of Clay's neck. It's strange, after what happened, but it makes it easier to finally fall asleep.

In the morning Tony's gone before Clay wakes up, and Clay doesn't know if it's worse than having to explain himself. 

*

They manage to avoid each other at school somehow, but it's actually impossible to keep up, because Tony's taken it upon himself to make sure that Clay gets home safe every single day, especially after he crashed in a car on his bike – yes, again – and broke his wrist. So Tony drives him home and sometimes to school, letting him vent about his day or just look at the road passing by in complete silence. Today that silence feels awkward. At the top of it all, Tony doesn't take him home. He drives to that cliff from which Clay has almost thrown himself off and stops there, steps out of the car and sits on the hood. Clay can only stand it for two minutes before giving up and joining him under unmerciful May sun. 

“So. You kissed me,” Tony says, turning to look at Clay.  
“Let's just...”  
“Forget about it? If you really want that, sure.”  
And Clay can't, he just can't understand how it's all come to this point, to them sitting under the burning rays, discussing... this.  
“I don't want to lose you,” is all he can honestly say, without clenching his teeth and his heart and pretending that he doesn't need to say something completely opposite. “I don't know what else I want.”  
“Okay,” Tony shrugs before moving closer and wrapping his arms around Clay. “I'm not going anywhere. That's a given.”

Lord knows who shifts even closer, but eventually their faces are inches apart, and Tony only softly asks:  
“You know what you want now, Clay?”  
And Clay weirdly wants to giggle, so he smiles and nods and breathes out a yes before once again closing the gap and kissing Tony, feeling a twirling hurricane inside once more, but there is no more fear in that hurricane. Clay puts his hands higher, on Tony's neck, thumbing over the pulse spot, and he feels the beating of blood there, beating of life under his fingertips, and for the first time in a very long time Clay himself feels absolutely, undeniably alive.

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i haven't written anything in english for a very long time so feel free to point out any mistakes or typos (they will surely be there).


End file.
